ashes to dust, mud to grass

I lay back on the grass and stared up at the stars. It was a clear and windy night, and every star that existed seemed to smile down at me from the black skies. I let my limbs relax and sink into the prickly wet grass, lying as I'd heard dead people did. And periodically, doubting my own sanity, I broke into uncontrollable bursts of laughter.

I guess I'd been lying there for quite a while before M and P found me.

"Where the hell have you been? You've been missing since lunch! "
"Why didn't you answer your phone? We've been so worried!"
"Do you even know the time? It's almost eleven! We need to be back in the hostel soon for the attendance."
"What were you doing anyway?"

"Ah," I said, grinning up at the stars, "I didn't think my turn to talk would arrive."

"What've you been upto?" M repeated.

"Just random stuff." I could sense their exasperation even as I spoke, and grinned again.

"And why's that maniacal grin plastered on your face?" P looked at me with concern. "What're you so happy about?"

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. I really didn't. My life was as big a mess as it ever was, and for weeks I'd wept on their supportive shoulders. Nothing factual had happened, nothing had changed. And yet I felt an enormous balloon of happiness swelling within me, pressing against my chest and forcing me to laugh.

"I saw you run into him this morning," P continued, the concern in her voice still apparent. "How could you have smiled at him like that? Especially after the way he treated you? What's wrong with you?"

"That's it, I don't know. See---" I finally sat up to look at my friends' faces. "I'd been thinking that I'll throw a shoe at him the next time we meet. Or freeze him with my indifference. Or deliver a huge speech I had prepared, telling him how much I hated him. Or used all those gaalis you guys taught me. But when I saw his apprehensive face this morning, all I felt like doing was to laugh aloud. And I tried to contain that within a smile."

They continued to look puzzled, two faces I loved.

"The thing is, I can smile while he can't. I can laugh while he probably doesn't even know how. And that, my friend, makes all the difference." I concluded in a theatrical fashion.

P smiled, she probably understood my insanity better than I did. She lay down on the grass beside me, staring up at the stars as she spoke, "This doesn't mean I've forgiven you for all the time I wasted searching for you today, but we'll see about that tomorrow."

M continued to look worried. "Both of you are crazy, " she said. "God alone knows how I put up with you. Oh get up, the two of you! We need to get back to the hostel soon. And besides, we aren't allowed to be on this grass. We're going to get into trouble. Any minute one of the guards will see us and report our names. Get up, get up."

"Aw M, this life is so full of care, you don't have the time to shut up and stare." I quipped as I adjusted my head into a more comfortable position to stare at the stars.

"What if the guard shows up?"

P backed me up, "Come on, we should go drown ourselves if we can't outrun even an out-of-shape guard. Screw the rules, and lie down quietly M."

We lay there on the forbidden grass, staring silently at the stars for I know not how long. Me and my silent troop of solidarity.

It was one of those rare moments in life when clarity seems to strike, when the mess that is life begins to make sense, when things don't seem that bad after all.

It was one of those moments when, despite everything, to a God you're not sure you believe in, you're compelled to whisper "Thank you."



-----------
A preliminary attempt at fictional dialogue..